Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
