I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
