o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
