Im at strip club and am horny
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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