Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
