I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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