Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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