Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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