"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
