omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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