Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
