The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
