Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
