I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
