in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
