when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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