I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
