i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
