I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
