So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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