he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
People in love make me want to vomit
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
