I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
