This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
