I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Everyone says I win the strip club
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
