I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
this beer tastes like vomit already
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
