3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
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