I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
