I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
