I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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