why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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