Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my sisters under your porch take her home
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize