sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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