its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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