I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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