So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
