ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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