opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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