so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
