Just fell off a train. Bad.
Can Purell be used as lube?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
