Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
