no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Come on in and take your pants off
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