I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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