my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
