I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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