I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
