I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
