she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
