this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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