Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
