im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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