They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
