i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
