there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
