I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
