Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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