Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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