Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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