I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We are all done wearing pants today
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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