I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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