someone get that fucking seahorse.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
