i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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