if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
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