If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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