I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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