I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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