I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
